Yesterday was the first day that I didn’t wake up feeling depressed. In case you’ve never been depressed since you have a naturally happy personality that is oblivious to the cruel realities of the world, depression is when you look at things and your first impression (at least half the time) is a negative one. Glass half-empty and all that. I don’t know if this is just me, but I can’t help but instantly form judgments about things when they come to mind or I see them. At least my judgments aren’t about the thing itself.

This reminds me of something that bothers me. I don’t like how reviewers of books or movies or music or anime or games or anything else seem to feel obligated to deprecate one thing in the course of explaining just how great another thing is. It’s as if to say that one thing is “good”, they have to invent a difference by saying that another thing is “bad”. Sometimes they’re sneaky and instead of using the word “bad” they use the word “worse” and the word “superior”. Being impartial means limiting your use of words like that unless they are fully qualified, and in most cases they aren’t. Or they compare the gameplay of a new game to the gameplay of an old game that back in the day would have been fairly decent gameplay. Honestly, are you going to tell people that arcade games like Pac-Man are junk because they didn’t incorporate 3D graphics? Now bugs are one thing and gameplay another. Also, it seems to be a trend nowadays for reviewers to fling insults around when pumping up the virtues of a favored thing. I hate reviewers that are judgmental in stupid ways. People should judge things on their own merits instead of only or mostly comparing them to other things. There’s a place for comparison, but don’t overdo it. The constraints are different, so you should take that into consideration. Maybe people like doing this because it allows them to pad their articles with words without actually saying anything useful. It’s as if by talking about other things you can talk about the thing itself without actually describing it and spoiling anything–witty metaphors and all that. Final Fantasy game reviews are easy; just list references to other FF games ad infinitum. In general all you have to do is reference the director/developer/label/president and insult their intelligence and question their sanity. But that sort of reviewing style requires the reader to have familiarity with the other things that are referenced. If not, the review is almost worse than useless–a waste of time and brainpower, overly loaded with references that are obscure except to the true fans. It also reveals a certain arrogance on the part of the reviewer, in that everybody is expected to have the wisdom of the reviewer. I don’t mind references but if they can’t stand on their own then they’re not useful for a review. Of course a movie is going to compress a story more than a twelve episode TV show. Of course that will affect the details and limit story development, but a story can be equally well-told regardless of whether it is told in one hour or six hours. One director’s interpretation of the same story may be as good as another, but it will inevitably emphasize certain points that the other ignores. And what’s wrong with authors or musicians completely “switching gears” and making something that is different from what they have made in the past? The difference between the past and the present is not grounds for disliking the current work. It’s as if people feel more comfortable rewarding sameness and monotony and uncreativity. Seriously, why do people feel this instinctive need to classify people into categories? Is this because Adam was ordered by God to name (classify) the animals? Is it human nature for us to immediately try to “place” people upon meeting them or learning about their interests? “Christian” music is that sort of categorization that doesn’t make sense to anybody. What’s “Christian” music nowadays if not music that some Christians but not all Christians will find acceptable? The “Christian” label on music only scares non-Christians away and attracts Christians to music that just might be as crappy as the music on so-called non-Christian music labels. It’s not even logical, the sorts of criteria people use to justify their judgments. But having said all this, if a review isn’t personal opinion, then what good is it? The only way we can possibly judge anything is in comparison to some ultimate (if arbitrary) standard. I suppose that we expect “good” reviewers to share certain aesthetic standards, but they cannot possibly have a basis for their standards outside of their own minds, since it’s art and the definition of art we’re talking about here, and not even all the philosophers in the world can define art in a way that satisfies even a majority of people. Give up on reviews then? No, because we can’t afford to. We need reviews because we don’t have enough time and money to purchase and watch and play everything. Therefore we need something to look to for guidance when we choose how we will entertain ourselves.

Now that we’re past my rant about bad journalism/editorial/reviews, here are my definitions. Depression is when you look at things and immediately see problems, dangers and the trouble they can cause. Normal is when you look at things and immediately see them as helpful and useful and “good” and full of potential for improvement. Normal is the way a child sees the world–as an amusement park full of wonders to become happy about. Depressed is when you see glamour and life, and get unexcited because it seems so fake and transitory.

I’d see a blade of grass and the first thing that I’d think of is how it would die and turn to dust. I’d see food and immediately think of how sick it might make me if I ate it, or how I would eat it and enjoy the flavor, but then the flavor would disappear forever and a few hours later I’d feel hungry again, never satisfied. I’d also think of how disconnected I was from the processes that produced the food, as in the farmers and factories and ranches and distribution networks of trucks and ships, and it would make me feel both useless and dependent since I rely on something that I don’t understand and have nothing to do with for the food that keeps me alive. I’d see an advertisement all colorful and flashy, and I’d think of how people are going to spend money because they think they need something, and how they might go into debt and turn into slaves to their things/gods/idols, and it would make me sad–I’m not sure why. I’d see a computer and I’d feel bad for being so dependent on it. I’d see a book and feel sick that people can’t talk to each other about those sorts of things and instead must turn to silent books to get the information that they want, reading by themselves, disconnected from any relevant connection that those articles might offer the reader to the outside world.

In recent days I’ve been playing Pokémon too much. I’ve decided to stop playing it for more than thirty minutes per day. It’s the only game I still allow myself to play, and the only one that I want to play.

Is this a part of getting older, or does everybody feel this way? I can hardly eat anything anymore without feeling sick after. I’ve given up caffeine entirely. That means no soda or coffee or energy drinks with caffeine. I’ve vowed to not eat food from McDonald’s or Burger King ever again because I’ve felt sick to my stomach while eating the food. It’s not that the food gave me food poisoning, it’s that the food itself causes bad digestion.

I think I’ve learned that when writing stories, I have to write drafts hundreds of times before I figure out exactly what I want to say. Then it becomes easier to write. I like the new direction that my story is going.

I really like the lyrics from the song Viridian City. They seem to express a story that I’ve always wanted to act out.

I left my home and now I see a new horizon (horizon)
But one day I’ll come back to Pallet Town (I’m comin’ back, comin’ back)
I’m on the road to become the greatest trainer
And I won’t quit until I’m number one

We keep on trying, then we try some some more
We stay together and find a place worth fighting for

I’m on the road to Viridian City
Meet my friends along the way